Christmas time

     Son, Christmas time is not the same without you here. I got dressed for church this morning and I could hear your words telling me I looked pretty. You ALWAYS made sure to notice when I got something new or just to make sure you told me I was pretty. I miss my best friend beyond believe but I know you are in heaven with Jack and Robert and Noah. It seems like this world keeps losing kids we met during your time in Houston. I realize that you all are angels now and are in such a better place with no suffering and no sadness, but OMG it hurts downs here. I sometimes sit and think of the mistakes I made while you were growing up and wish so much that I could correct them but I can't baby. Please know that I loved you with everything in me and that sometimes when it seemed I was hard on you, I was only trying to give you the self discipline that your sickness required. I wanted you to get the most of your life that was possible and that required much more than was fair at times. Merry Christmas baby boy, please give little Noah a hug and kiss from Nana. See you soon son!!!!!

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I WANT TO GO BACK !!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a whirlwind spinning and spinning,
It tosses things in my world to different places,
Places out of my reach, places that I can not touch.
The storm stops and sets me down occasionally,
and I look around and everything is different.
Yet, I want them to go back!!!!

Of  course that is impossible and I know this.
I search the area for all the pieces of memories so I will not lose them.
I collect them, treasure them, and store them up within me.
I go to them in my quiet times and try to put the pieces together again,
I fail because it not achievable anymore.

Then the whirlwind picks me back up and starts the process over again!!!!
                
                                                     BY: Regina Holsted

Observation today

   We have a stray dog that is now, I suppose, ours and she had eight cute little puppies. I say this to tell a story! It seems that one of her puppies died and was covered up under the bedding. The puppy was beginnig to smell and so with the unpleasant smell we discovered him.  Rather than picking the dead pup up, we just removed the other puppies and took the bedding, puppy and all and threw in our dumpster. Shortly after, the mom dog discovered the missing puppy; she knew that one of her babies was missing. I am working in the yard and I hear her making this horrible whimpering sound and setting at the base of the dumpster. She left her 7 healthy pups to look for the one that was gone. She could smell her babies scent and knew it was there. I led her back, with sorrow in my heart for her, to her other puppies. Several times while I was outside I found her sitting at the dumpster crying. This made my mind reflect on two things.......the first one being what a pic of Jesus' love I was seeing. The bible speaks of the shepard leaving the flock and searching for the lost sheep, likewise is HIS love for his lost children. The second reflection was how I left my healthy kids to care for my sick one. I missed them terribly but my sick one needed me more so that is where I went. Now that Chris is gone, so many times I am like the momma dog who left her 7 pups to sit at the place where her dead pup was. I do this at times too, although just mentally I leave, but I still leave and withdraw to bask in the memory of my baby boy. Just like the momma dog crying for her pup so am I...........I sit, I mourn, I cry, and I run to the place where his body was laid to rest. I find it odd to relate everything in life to my son but I do, without effort I see him in EVERYTHING, every situation.

My Secret Time

     I come here almost every night and I grieve, I hurt, I cry, and I hear your voice speaking my name agian. I try to put on a face for the daytime that people expect of me and it for the most part I guess it works. You always saw past moms fake smile and you KNEW when I was hurting or sad, always so in tune with your mom you were. I had a rough year or so and you were always there for me. I remember when your father and I were seperated and I cried in your arms for so long and you allowed me to, YOU were the strong one. You made me get out of bed and function when I really didn't want to, you made me go outside and feel the sunshine and the fresh air so I could watch you skateboard. I remember when you cooked my breakfast and put it on my nightstand with a note that said I LOVE YOU MOM, then you went back out and called me so I would find my breakfast on the table next to me when I woke up. LOL, gosh it tasted aweful, I think you were probably 16 then but the egg had been cooked in the microwave and it was well .......rough eating. I ate it though and enjoyed your company and the knowledge of what a special young man my son was to do such a sweet thing totally on his own. I carry that note you left that day in my purse now along with the contents of your wallet.  Baby boy we had a rough start together, I know, things were difficult but we made it through them. I remember the years when you refused to allow me to love you to the fullest extent of actually being mom. I loved you anyway whether you accepted it or not, I use to tell you that there was nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you, you didnt have to love me back even BUT my love was there and would never leave. This was hard for you to grasp because in your life, you had been let down so many times by the very people that were suppose to be doing what I now was doing. Your wall was huge but GOD kept giving me the tools to climb it and to reach the top. You and I eventually tore that wall down in your life and you finally allowed me to be your momma in the truest sense and you loved me back.                                          
     THe transplant was not, in my opinion, a sucess!!!!! Yet, I am so grateful for the time you and I got to share in Houston. THis is where we became friends, where I got to trully know you and who you were deep inside. I saw you as CHRIS, not as mom but as a friend might see you. We were in a huge city of strangers and all we had at the beginning was each other. God ordained that time for us, I cherish it now with everything in me. Thank you son for allowing me to be your momma, I am so proud of you and who you became. GOD I MISS MY SON!!!!!!!!
     It hurts every much as bad today as it did then. It has not lessened or let go of the grip it has on my heart. I can't wait to see you agian, tell NOAH all about his nana. MOM loves you. good night

Reminders

    They are everywhere around me, everywhere I go, he is always with me. I see him in the small things around me, I hear his remarks to all the things that go on in my life, only it is with my heart I hear instead of my ears. Today, the kids and I were eating at a place in town, I saw an elderly man with an oxygen tank hooked up to him. I could hear him breathing from a table away even before I saw the tank. It sounded the way my sweet baby breathed when he was on oxygen. It was several normal shallow breaths followed by a more labored intense and deep one, at first this brought tears to my eyes. The more I watched him, and yes my eyes were fixed on him and watching his breathing in and out, the more comfort I found in such a small and strange thing. I spent so many hours, day in and day out, listening constantly to my son breathing, listening for signs of trouble that I could hear his breath through an array of mixed noises in my house. I could hear it while I slept, for so many nights I would repeatly go in to do a check because things didnt sound right. My ears had became more sensitive to listening to his breathing, kind of like a blind person's other senses becomes stronger when the eyes can no longer see. I don't know if that makes sense or not but that is the way it was.
     So, I sat in the pizza place way longer than I normally would have while the kids played and I listened to the all too familar labored breathing. I realize what a wierd thing that is to find comfort in but somehow, someway I did. I tried my best to imagine my son in heaven TOTALLY healed and well and could ALMOST hear him say "it was worth it momma". I think he would consider his life of pain and suffering worth it now that he is in heaven. Even down here on earth, he was never one to complain or let anyone see a poor me attitude. He focused rather on uplifting everyone he could, even when he felt his worse. Just hours after his lung transplant, he was motioning for the nurses to get a blanket. They thought he was cold, he had a vent down his throat and therefore could not talk but he then pointed to his mom and lifted the blanket. I proceeded to tell the nurses that he wanted them to get ME a blanket, for Chris knew I was always cold. He was STILL taking care of his mom. Once the nurses got me one, he looked at them and shook his head YES! This is one of my favorite memories of how he always took care of his mom, always watched out for me. Today was GOOD overall, still hard but good. Tears still came but I managed to see and pull the things that brought peace to me from it. Thank you GOD!

Appointed Day

    I have come to terms with something and even though it doesn't make it any easier I believe it with all of my heart. I know the bible speaks of us having an appointed time to be born and to die, I am fully confident that Chris and Jesus knew it was time even if mom hated it with everything in me. Chris had made peace with death way before it arrived, he was not scared, he did not dread it, the only thing my son did was worry about how MOM would make it without him. He made all things right with his maker up above and his body was so worn and tired yet he hung on much longer than he trully desired to for ME. This I know from words he spoke to me in his last days and words he had spoken to others close to him the last few weeks of his fight. What a sacrifice my child made out of LOVE for his MOTHER, the sacrifice of suffering uncomprehendable to most all for the sake of me.
    On this earth, we are given a certain amount of task for us to do and Chris had fullfilled his job fully. What more can one do after that? To stay would have only meant more undue suffering, for JESUS was calling him to his final home. This pains me to write and to admitt but I know it is true. The selfish ME wants him back, wants my life back that feels as if it is tumbling into nothingness but my spirit just LONGS to go to him, one day but not until my work is done. The trouble with this is that now everything is different and I no longer know what my work is. I have no sense of direction of where to take my life and all my efforts. Where do I put all that I poured into my son, where do I go to put all that is within me to work again? At the moment I have not the answers but with time....................................maybe I will have a day with no tears.

My 11 year old's new question

   So, my eleven year old son has come up with the theory of mom and dad adopting another child. I explained to him that was not something you just went and did but maybe we could pray about it. So, now the new question everyday is "has God told you yes about the kid yet". The boy even went as far as going on the internet and finding the boy he wants to adopt for our family. Yes, he found the list of older foster kids and guess what his child that he wants looks like? He is nine and looks like a younger version of Christopher, blonde hair and same eyes. So now I am seeing what is going on behind all of his thinking.........he misses his brother very bad.
   So, during his next counseling appointment I address this issue with hopes of helping him realize the real issues of what he is feeling. Well it didn't work, rather he laid this guilt statement on me, "Mother don't you want to help another poor kid without a home like you did for chris and me". I am like WOW.................but it still didnt work. LOL
   On we go through this process of grieving which is totally different for each family member.

MY PURPOSE 5/22/10

       I wrote this one month before my son died
  The years I worked in the hospital pharmacy and IV room I hated and yet it trained me to care for my son. Learning to do anything is not fun, training is tiresome and repetitive, but very necessary. God puts His workers in the places they need to be to carry out the task that he has ahead of each of them and this is what he did with me. Some people go through their entire life never knowing what their purpose is, what they were created to do. Although this is the hardest thing I have ever done, my path through these tragic years has allowed me to discover my purpose of being, the reason I exist, my creation. Many things in my life have I questioned but now as I look back I can see the answer to each question before me. Every tragic thing, every piece of my past has made me who I am, each event effecting me in a different way and in different areas to form me into the one to travel this road with my son. I still ask why his journey through life is so hard, but I NEVER question the fact that I was made to be the one to walk it with him. His journey is getting closer to the end I know and my fears increase as we walk farther down the path of life. I despise the path that we are traveling on but NEVER the journey. He is my very best friend, my confidant, and my son. 
   Many people have big degrees and make lots of money, some have big titles of importance and are respected by all for these titles. These things have I not, rather only the title of MOM and of NANA. I cherish both titles with all of my heart. When I reach the end of my days, I will know one thing for certain, I will know what my purpose in life was and that I fulfilled that calling. I am the momma, in every sense of the word, to a boy (now man) who was chosen to walk a tough path. He touched so many lives and I was blessed to be allowed to walk it with him and to help him as he traveled. I, in no way, mean to take away from the importance of being a momma to my other children. They are just as precious to me as Christopher, however he needs my help to complete his journey and I think GOD has helped my other children to understand that fact. 
   I am a MOM........I am a NANA! Thank you God for choosing me for the journey with my son. I may fail you God in many things but I will NOT fail you in this area. I will walk with him no matter the cost, I will not leave him just as you never leave me. I will be there at his spoken word and actions just as you are here for me when I cry out to you. I will follow your example in how YOU love me and will love my children in the same way. A million ways and things I may fail you in but not the call of being MOM, I will NOT!

MY SON 1/20/2003

Sometimes a child is born, 
and life starts out unfair.
A body filled with sickness, 
and nobody home to care.


But God is always watching, 
and caring for his child.
For the little ones you see, 
He doesn't take things mild.


He sent the child to a home, 
and planted love inside.
Slowly he seemed to find a way,
for his feelings not to hide.


Healing happened slowly, 
but surely did take place.
For inside wounds are far more sad,
and calls for God's good grace.


                                                By: Regina Holsted
                  

The Canvas of Life 8/4/2004

 I look upon the canvas of life, what do I see?
 I see but a small fragment of color, but He sees the picture that WILL be.
 Every stage of life brings more color to the creation,
 Good times, bad times and struggles too, blend together to make more hues.
 Then one day my canvas will be complete,
 I'll stand before GOD with my picture of life.
 Will he see JESUS, the living CHRIST?
                                                                     BY: REGINA HOLSTED

CF 1/19/2003

I watch him struggle for his breath, 
each night when he lays down.
His lungs are needing yet more air, 
I can tell by just the sound.


I ask the Father up above, 
for the faith I need.
I want my healing Father
to touch my adopted seed.


To fill him with God's Power,
and use him in year's ahead.
But there are no guarentees,
He might take him home instead.


                                         by:    Regina Holsted

Cemented Together

   For so long Christopher and I were cemented together by circumstances and yet over time these circumstances formed a friendship stronger than I have ever experienced. As a mother, I loved him but the friendship was of a rare quality, it was a treasure that many seek for their entire life and never find and one that I will miss forever. The things, which at times left me exhausted and weighted down, now in their absence I feel lost, alone, and frightened without. Our lives rotated around medical issues all the time, we use to long for a day without any medical drama. WOW, I didn't know what I was wishing for and how I want my medical world back, not for Chris but for mom. He is perfect now, sitting in heaven with baby Noah, it is I who is lonely without my best friend and grandson. Now I am left cemented to a lifeless body who no longer needs me and I cry!

Revised version of the definition of GRIEF

    Grief is defined by Webster as a deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement. Definition number two states a cause of such suffering or an unfortunate outcome. I find all these meanings to fall way short of what I am feeling so perhaps I am searching for the meaning to the wrong word. MOURNING.....maybe this is what is going on inside of me. Webster says to mourn is feel or express grief or sorrow or to show the customary signs of grief for a death. Customary signs of death doesn't make any sense to me, these are just words and nothing else. 
   What I feel does not fall under any one of these attempts of word play used by whomever it is that decides on what to write as a definition in a dictionary. Rather, a more appropriate definition could only come from a mother who cries and longs for her son or daughter, for she truly knows what to grieve or to mourn means. So a revised version of the meaning of both words, according to an authorized momma, is in order so it seems.
   Grief is when you wake yourself from a deep sleep sobbing so hard the bed shakes. Grief is the knot that has taken up residence in your throat, which at any moment can break out into a flood of tears, only to be pushed back down to once again create that constant choking feeling that makes any and all conversation hard. Maybe grief is when your mind is like a recorded DVD and somebody else has the controls. The show within your mind goes to the last couple of weeks of your child's life and plays OVER and OVER and OVER, never stopping, never allowing you to breath, never allowing the knot in your throat to go away. I think this would better describe the word grieve. 
   To mourn and to grieve, I am unsure of the difference. Perhaps the rise of panic inside of me while I sit through the midnight hours in his room looking at his clothes I have carefully placed on his bed and knowing that he will never wear them again, maybe that is to mourn. Maybe listening to "his" kind of music and for the first time liking it as tears stream down my face, perhaps that is what mourn means. We had our songs that we sang together, each of us had our own parts as we danced liked idiots and sang real loud with the windows down in HOUSTON. Who will sing HIS part now .........and I mourn!!!!
   I think about Webster's choice of wording, "Customary signs of grief" and I am appalled because there is no pattern to follow on how to grieve or mourn. There is no wrong or right way to go through this nightmare, no set time length that it will take. All I know is that I hate what I feel, and although I know this to be untrue, I can't imagine anyone understanding what I feel or am going through. I lost my son, my best friend, and my job all on the same day, the day he drew his last breathe!!
   I watch as everyone carries on with their life and I feel lost and trapped.  My world was Christopher and his illness, doing whatever it took to keep him alive. What do I do now? It is so much more than just a sadness, for I am LOST! THIS DEFINES GRIEF AND MOURNING.........WEBSTER DOES NOT!