Reminders

    They are everywhere around me, everywhere I go, he is always with me. I see him in the small things around me, I hear his remarks to all the things that go on in my life, only it is with my heart I hear instead of my ears. Today, the kids and I were eating at a place in town, I saw an elderly man with an oxygen tank hooked up to him. I could hear him breathing from a table away even before I saw the tank. It sounded the way my sweet baby breathed when he was on oxygen. It was several normal shallow breaths followed by a more labored intense and deep one, at first this brought tears to my eyes. The more I watched him, and yes my eyes were fixed on him and watching his breathing in and out, the more comfort I found in such a small and strange thing. I spent so many hours, day in and day out, listening constantly to my son breathing, listening for signs of trouble that I could hear his breath through an array of mixed noises in my house. I could hear it while I slept, for so many nights I would repeatly go in to do a check because things didnt sound right. My ears had became more sensitive to listening to his breathing, kind of like a blind person's other senses becomes stronger when the eyes can no longer see. I don't know if that makes sense or not but that is the way it was.
     So, I sat in the pizza place way longer than I normally would have while the kids played and I listened to the all too familar labored breathing. I realize what a wierd thing that is to find comfort in but somehow, someway I did. I tried my best to imagine my son in heaven TOTALLY healed and well and could ALMOST hear him say "it was worth it momma". I think he would consider his life of pain and suffering worth it now that he is in heaven. Even down here on earth, he was never one to complain or let anyone see a poor me attitude. He focused rather on uplifting everyone he could, even when he felt his worse. Just hours after his lung transplant, he was motioning for the nurses to get a blanket. They thought he was cold, he had a vent down his throat and therefore could not talk but he then pointed to his mom and lifted the blanket. I proceeded to tell the nurses that he wanted them to get ME a blanket, for Chris knew I was always cold. He was STILL taking care of his mom. Once the nurses got me one, he looked at them and shook his head YES! This is one of my favorite memories of how he always took care of his mom, always watched out for me. Today was GOOD overall, still hard but good. Tears still came but I managed to see and pull the things that brought peace to me from it. Thank you GOD!