My Secret Time

     I come here almost every night and I grieve, I hurt, I cry, and I hear your voice speaking my name agian. I try to put on a face for the daytime that people expect of me and it for the most part I guess it works. You always saw past moms fake smile and you KNEW when I was hurting or sad, always so in tune with your mom you were. I had a rough year or so and you were always there for me. I remember when your father and I were seperated and I cried in your arms for so long and you allowed me to, YOU were the strong one. You made me get out of bed and function when I really didn't want to, you made me go outside and feel the sunshine and the fresh air so I could watch you skateboard. I remember when you cooked my breakfast and put it on my nightstand with a note that said I LOVE YOU MOM, then you went back out and called me so I would find my breakfast on the table next to me when I woke up. LOL, gosh it tasted aweful, I think you were probably 16 then but the egg had been cooked in the microwave and it was well .......rough eating. I ate it though and enjoyed your company and the knowledge of what a special young man my son was to do such a sweet thing totally on his own. I carry that note you left that day in my purse now along with the contents of your wallet.  Baby boy we had a rough start together, I know, things were difficult but we made it through them. I remember the years when you refused to allow me to love you to the fullest extent of actually being mom. I loved you anyway whether you accepted it or not, I use to tell you that there was nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you, you didnt have to love me back even BUT my love was there and would never leave. This was hard for you to grasp because in your life, you had been let down so many times by the very people that were suppose to be doing what I now was doing. Your wall was huge but GOD kept giving me the tools to climb it and to reach the top. You and I eventually tore that wall down in your life and you finally allowed me to be your momma in the truest sense and you loved me back.                                          
     THe transplant was not, in my opinion, a sucess!!!!! Yet, I am so grateful for the time you and I got to share in Houston. THis is where we became friends, where I got to trully know you and who you were deep inside. I saw you as CHRIS, not as mom but as a friend might see you. We were in a huge city of strangers and all we had at the beginning was each other. God ordained that time for us, I cherish it now with everything in me. Thank you son for allowing me to be your momma, I am so proud of you and who you became. GOD I MISS MY SON!!!!!!!!
     It hurts every much as bad today as it did then. It has not lessened or let go of the grip it has on my heart. I can't wait to see you agian, tell NOAH all about his nana. MOM loves you. good night