One more promise fullfilled

   I remember a few years back as death became more of an concept in your mind, as you faced it on so many occasions. One day in our conversation you asked me to promise you something, you wanted something scarey put on your tombstone if you died before me. Of course I agreed thinking "MOM is going first, so I will never have to worry about this promise". Well you were always a little different in your thinking but you reminded me of this promise the day before you died. Of course I told you, mom will keep my promise. Well needless to say I struggled with this after you left this earth, so I waited a while to order the stone. The stone has finally been set and is in place, and I think you would get a kick how mom kept her promise. We looked up the words SOMETHING SCAREY in hierglyphic pictures and put that on the back of your tombstone. I'm sure in years to come it will spark interest from strangers and loved ones alike. It is one of a kind for a one of a kind son. Mom misses you and tells someone everyday about you. You surround my life and thoughts, you still comfort me with your words, I can hear them when I hurt or when I cry. You are so much a part of who mom has become. I am now going to college to get my BSN degree with the hopes of specializing in special needs kids. I get down and overloaded at times but your memory keeps me going even when I want to quit. You taught me how to keep going even when everything sucks. You showed me by example son ......YOU LIVED IT. Thank you for all you thought me.

Christmas time

     Son, Christmas time is not the same without you here. I got dressed for church this morning and I could hear your words telling me I looked pretty. You ALWAYS made sure to notice when I got something new or just to make sure you told me I was pretty. I miss my best friend beyond believe but I know you are in heaven with Jack and Robert and Noah. It seems like this world keeps losing kids we met during your time in Houston. I realize that you all are angels now and are in such a better place with no suffering and no sadness, but OMG it hurts downs here. I sometimes sit and think of the mistakes I made while you were growing up and wish so much that I could correct them but I can't baby. Please know that I loved you with everything in me and that sometimes when it seemed I was hard on you, I was only trying to give you the self discipline that your sickness required. I wanted you to get the most of your life that was possible and that required much more than was fair at times. Merry Christmas baby boy, please give little Noah a hug and kiss from Nana. See you soon son!!!!!

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I WANT TO GO BACK !!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a whirlwind spinning and spinning,
It tosses things in my world to different places,
Places out of my reach, places that I can not touch.
The storm stops and sets me down occasionally,
and I look around and everything is different.
Yet, I want them to go back!!!!

Of  course that is impossible and I know this.
I search the area for all the pieces of memories so I will not lose them.
I collect them, treasure them, and store them up within me.
I go to them in my quiet times and try to put the pieces together again,
I fail because it not achievable anymore.

Then the whirlwind picks me back up and starts the process over again!!!!
                
                                                     BY: Regina Holsted

Observation today

   We have a stray dog that is now, I suppose, ours and she had eight cute little puppies. I say this to tell a story! It seems that one of her puppies died and was covered up under the bedding. The puppy was beginnig to smell and so with the unpleasant smell we discovered him.  Rather than picking the dead pup up, we just removed the other puppies and took the bedding, puppy and all and threw in our dumpster. Shortly after, the mom dog discovered the missing puppy; she knew that one of her babies was missing. I am working in the yard and I hear her making this horrible whimpering sound and setting at the base of the dumpster. She left her 7 healthy pups to look for the one that was gone. She could smell her babies scent and knew it was there. I led her back, with sorrow in my heart for her, to her other puppies. Several times while I was outside I found her sitting at the dumpster crying. This made my mind reflect on two things.......the first one being what a pic of Jesus' love I was seeing. The bible speaks of the shepard leaving the flock and searching for the lost sheep, likewise is HIS love for his lost children. The second reflection was how I left my healthy kids to care for my sick one. I missed them terribly but my sick one needed me more so that is where I went. Now that Chris is gone, so many times I am like the momma dog who left her 7 pups to sit at the place where her dead pup was. I do this at times too, although just mentally I leave, but I still leave and withdraw to bask in the memory of my baby boy. Just like the momma dog crying for her pup so am I...........I sit, I mourn, I cry, and I run to the place where his body was laid to rest. I find it odd to relate everything in life to my son but I do, without effort I see him in EVERYTHING, every situation.

My Secret Time

     I come here almost every night and I grieve, I hurt, I cry, and I hear your voice speaking my name agian. I try to put on a face for the daytime that people expect of me and it for the most part I guess it works. You always saw past moms fake smile and you KNEW when I was hurting or sad, always so in tune with your mom you were. I had a rough year or so and you were always there for me. I remember when your father and I were seperated and I cried in your arms for so long and you allowed me to, YOU were the strong one. You made me get out of bed and function when I really didn't want to, you made me go outside and feel the sunshine and the fresh air so I could watch you skateboard. I remember when you cooked my breakfast and put it on my nightstand with a note that said I LOVE YOU MOM, then you went back out and called me so I would find my breakfast on the table next to me when I woke up. LOL, gosh it tasted aweful, I think you were probably 16 then but the egg had been cooked in the microwave and it was well .......rough eating. I ate it though and enjoyed your company and the knowledge of what a special young man my son was to do such a sweet thing totally on his own. I carry that note you left that day in my purse now along with the contents of your wallet.  Baby boy we had a rough start together, I know, things were difficult but we made it through them. I remember the years when you refused to allow me to love you to the fullest extent of actually being mom. I loved you anyway whether you accepted it or not, I use to tell you that there was nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you, you didnt have to love me back even BUT my love was there and would never leave. This was hard for you to grasp because in your life, you had been let down so many times by the very people that were suppose to be doing what I now was doing. Your wall was huge but GOD kept giving me the tools to climb it and to reach the top. You and I eventually tore that wall down in your life and you finally allowed me to be your momma in the truest sense and you loved me back.                                          
     THe transplant was not, in my opinion, a sucess!!!!! Yet, I am so grateful for the time you and I got to share in Houston. THis is where we became friends, where I got to trully know you and who you were deep inside. I saw you as CHRIS, not as mom but as a friend might see you. We were in a huge city of strangers and all we had at the beginning was each other. God ordained that time for us, I cherish it now with everything in me. Thank you son for allowing me to be your momma, I am so proud of you and who you became. GOD I MISS MY SON!!!!!!!!
     It hurts every much as bad today as it did then. It has not lessened or let go of the grip it has on my heart. I can't wait to see you agian, tell NOAH all about his nana. MOM loves you. good night

Reminders

    They are everywhere around me, everywhere I go, he is always with me. I see him in the small things around me, I hear his remarks to all the things that go on in my life, only it is with my heart I hear instead of my ears. Today, the kids and I were eating at a place in town, I saw an elderly man with an oxygen tank hooked up to him. I could hear him breathing from a table away even before I saw the tank. It sounded the way my sweet baby breathed when he was on oxygen. It was several normal shallow breaths followed by a more labored intense and deep one, at first this brought tears to my eyes. The more I watched him, and yes my eyes were fixed on him and watching his breathing in and out, the more comfort I found in such a small and strange thing. I spent so many hours, day in and day out, listening constantly to my son breathing, listening for signs of trouble that I could hear his breath through an array of mixed noises in my house. I could hear it while I slept, for so many nights I would repeatly go in to do a check because things didnt sound right. My ears had became more sensitive to listening to his breathing, kind of like a blind person's other senses becomes stronger when the eyes can no longer see. I don't know if that makes sense or not but that is the way it was.
     So, I sat in the pizza place way longer than I normally would have while the kids played and I listened to the all too familar labored breathing. I realize what a wierd thing that is to find comfort in but somehow, someway I did. I tried my best to imagine my son in heaven TOTALLY healed and well and could ALMOST hear him say "it was worth it momma". I think he would consider his life of pain and suffering worth it now that he is in heaven. Even down here on earth, he was never one to complain or let anyone see a poor me attitude. He focused rather on uplifting everyone he could, even when he felt his worse. Just hours after his lung transplant, he was motioning for the nurses to get a blanket. They thought he was cold, he had a vent down his throat and therefore could not talk but he then pointed to his mom and lifted the blanket. I proceeded to tell the nurses that he wanted them to get ME a blanket, for Chris knew I was always cold. He was STILL taking care of his mom. Once the nurses got me one, he looked at them and shook his head YES! This is one of my favorite memories of how he always took care of his mom, always watched out for me. Today was GOOD overall, still hard but good. Tears still came but I managed to see and pull the things that brought peace to me from it. Thank you GOD!