One year coming soon!!!

      Well, in 12 days it will be a year since he drew his last breathe and it still feels like a fresh and bleeding wound inside of me. I have tried several things since that time and seem to fail each time. I started back to college with my mind set to become a nurse that worked with special needs children. I had previously been in the process of getting my teaching degree but I no longer wanted that so I began working on becoming a nurse. I was told some bad news today concerning my back, I not only need surgery but the doctor strongly adviced against the nursing career. He said that even with surgery, I would be a high risk for severe back injury with all the lifting required. So, here I am with my college loans over my head and I am back to square one. I have around 100 college credits and all i have to show for it is student loans which needs payed off. YAY for me............I miss my son. I hate the way things are and nobody can change any of it. I do not mean to sound so negative but I only write this blog as a way of expressing the things I cant voice other wise. So, yes I still cry at night for my baby boy and long to hear his cheerful voice when everything around him sucked, for that was his character. At his down times I was often the only one to be allowed to see it, he had a front for most everyone else.
      I remember how he would lay in the hospital bed and talk to girls from school. He was the one that always listened to thier problems. He had so many major problems, yet he would listen to their high school drama and act as if it was trully as major as they were letting on. He was very caring, at times looking at me and rolling his eyes with a smile cause we knew by tomorrow the small issues they were going on about would be over. His however would continue to stack against him. NOT FAIR>>>>>>> how many times did i long for normal teenage trouble? Just something normal for him in place of death nipping at his heals constantly.  Gee, my boy needed a break!!!!!
    However the break came in a form that rips my heart out!  He is whole, no longer sick in body-he is now trully happy, no longer sad within because of missing everything other kids did- his job was done and he did it well. I can only hope to complete my race in life as well as he did. I love you Chris!!!!
  

      Tomorrow is your birthday and I approach it with mixed emotions, part of me is sad because mom wants you here but GOD had other plans and who am I to question such a loving GOD? The other part of me counts it a pure joy for I was chosen to be your momma, before time began God had me in mind to me your the momma, to raise you, to nourish your tender soul back to health. Your body was ill but when you left  you were whole inside and more of a man than some will ever be in this life. I count it a pure joy to have been a part of that process and I hold my head high in the knowledge that I AM YOUR MOM.
    You came to me at the age of 7, a wounded soul and a sick body. We met at a local hospital and I began daily visits in an attempt to comfort you for your move to our house when you got discharged. We were to become your foster parents but GOD knew the bigger plan he had for our family. We had  several rough years and it was tough, you required so much care but I gave you my all. God planted a love inside of me for you that even I didnt fully understand. You didnt fully accept this love for years and this was tough for I felt rejected by you but it wasnt your fault. Every adult in your life had let you down so why in the world should you trust me?
    Then a one day it started to change and we developed not only a mom and son closeness but a friendship. It was like as you became sicker that something inside of you realized "HEY SHE REALLY LOVES ME AND NO MATTER WHAT SHE WILL NOT LEAVE ME". And leave you I did not, I carried you in my arms as you drew your last breath. You and I, the way we always were, I was strong for you when you needed me and you were strong for me when I needed you. I miss you son and I love you but I will not question the Father above. For all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. I will stand on the WORD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON

One more promise fullfilled

   I remember a few years back as death became more of an concept in your mind, as you faced it on so many occasions. One day in our conversation you asked me to promise you something, you wanted something scarey put on your tombstone if you died before me. Of course I agreed thinking "MOM is going first, so I will never have to worry about this promise". Well you were always a little different in your thinking but you reminded me of this promise the day before you died. Of course I told you, mom will keep my promise. Well needless to say I struggled with this after you left this earth, so I waited a while to order the stone. The stone has finally been set and is in place, and I think you would get a kick how mom kept her promise. We looked up the words SOMETHING SCAREY in hierglyphic pictures and put that on the back of your tombstone. I'm sure in years to come it will spark interest from strangers and loved ones alike. It is one of a kind for a one of a kind son. Mom misses you and tells someone everyday about you. You surround my life and thoughts, you still comfort me with your words, I can hear them when I hurt or when I cry. You are so much a part of who mom has become. I am now going to college to get my BSN degree with the hopes of specializing in special needs kids. I get down and overloaded at times but your memory keeps me going even when I want to quit. You taught me how to keep going even when everything sucks. You showed me by example son ......YOU LIVED IT. Thank you for all you thought me.

Christmas time

     Son, Christmas time is not the same without you here. I got dressed for church this morning and I could hear your words telling me I looked pretty. You ALWAYS made sure to notice when I got something new or just to make sure you told me I was pretty. I miss my best friend beyond believe but I know you are in heaven with Jack and Robert and Noah. It seems like this world keeps losing kids we met during your time in Houston. I realize that you all are angels now and are in such a better place with no suffering and no sadness, but OMG it hurts downs here. I sometimes sit and think of the mistakes I made while you were growing up and wish so much that I could correct them but I can't baby. Please know that I loved you with everything in me and that sometimes when it seemed I was hard on you, I was only trying to give you the self discipline that your sickness required. I wanted you to get the most of your life that was possible and that required much more than was fair at times. Merry Christmas baby boy, please give little Noah a hug and kiss from Nana. See you soon son!!!!!

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I WANT TO GO BACK !!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a whirlwind spinning and spinning,
It tosses things in my world to different places,
Places out of my reach, places that I can not touch.
The storm stops and sets me down occasionally,
and I look around and everything is different.
Yet, I want them to go back!!!!

Of  course that is impossible and I know this.
I search the area for all the pieces of memories so I will not lose them.
I collect them, treasure them, and store them up within me.
I go to them in my quiet times and try to put the pieces together again,
I fail because it not achievable anymore.

Then the whirlwind picks me back up and starts the process over again!!!!
                
                                                     BY: Regina Holsted

Observation today

   We have a stray dog that is now, I suppose, ours and she had eight cute little puppies. I say this to tell a story! It seems that one of her puppies died and was covered up under the bedding. The puppy was beginnig to smell and so with the unpleasant smell we discovered him.  Rather than picking the dead pup up, we just removed the other puppies and took the bedding, puppy and all and threw in our dumpster. Shortly after, the mom dog discovered the missing puppy; she knew that one of her babies was missing. I am working in the yard and I hear her making this horrible whimpering sound and setting at the base of the dumpster. She left her 7 healthy pups to look for the one that was gone. She could smell her babies scent and knew it was there. I led her back, with sorrow in my heart for her, to her other puppies. Several times while I was outside I found her sitting at the dumpster crying. This made my mind reflect on two things.......the first one being what a pic of Jesus' love I was seeing. The bible speaks of the shepard leaving the flock and searching for the lost sheep, likewise is HIS love for his lost children. The second reflection was how I left my healthy kids to care for my sick one. I missed them terribly but my sick one needed me more so that is where I went. Now that Chris is gone, so many times I am like the momma dog who left her 7 pups to sit at the place where her dead pup was. I do this at times too, although just mentally I leave, but I still leave and withdraw to bask in the memory of my baby boy. Just like the momma dog crying for her pup so am I...........I sit, I mourn, I cry, and I run to the place where his body was laid to rest. I find it odd to relate everything in life to my son but I do, without effort I see him in EVERYTHING, every situation.