Well, in 12 days it will be a year since he drew his last breathe and it still feels like a fresh and bleeding wound inside of me. I have tried several things since that time and seem to fail each time. I started back to college with my mind set to become a nurse that worked with special needs children. I had previously been in the process of getting my teaching degree but I no longer wanted that so I began working on becoming a nurse. I was told some bad news today concerning my back, I not only need surgery but the doctor strongly adviced against the nursing career. He said that even with surgery, I would be a high risk for severe back injury with all the lifting required. So, here I am with my college loans over my head and I am back to square one. I have around 100 college credits and all i have to show for it is student loans which needs payed off. YAY for me............I miss my son. I hate the way things are and nobody can change any of it. I do not mean to sound so negative but I only write this blog as a way of expressing the things I cant voice other wise. So, yes I still cry at night for my baby boy and long to hear his cheerful voice when everything around him sucked, for that was his character. At his down times I was often the only one to be allowed to see it, he had a front for most everyone else.
I remember how he would lay in the hospital bed and talk to girls from school. He was the one that always listened to thier problems. He had so many major problems, yet he would listen to their high school drama and act as if it was trully as major as they were letting on. He was very caring, at times looking at me and rolling his eyes with a smile cause we knew by tomorrow the small issues they were going on about would be over. His however would continue to stack against him. NOT FAIR>>>>>>> how many times did i long for normal teenage trouble? Just something normal for him in place of death nipping at his heals constantly. Gee, my boy needed a break!!!!!
However the break came in a form that rips my heart out! He is whole, no longer sick in body-he is now trully happy, no longer sad within because of missing everything other kids did- his job was done and he did it well. I can only hope to complete my race in life as well as he did. I love you Chris!!!!
Just trying to find a way to survive without my son! Cystic Fibrosis, lung transplant, followed by a long journey of rejection to lungs!! Such a beautiful spirit and fighter he was. He taught me much about living!
