One year coming soon!!!

      Well, in 12 days it will be a year since he drew his last breathe and it still feels like a fresh and bleeding wound inside of me. I have tried several things since that time and seem to fail each time. I started back to college with my mind set to become a nurse that worked with special needs children. I had previously been in the process of getting my teaching degree but I no longer wanted that so I began working on becoming a nurse. I was told some bad news today concerning my back, I not only need surgery but the doctor strongly adviced against the nursing career. He said that even with surgery, I would be a high risk for severe back injury with all the lifting required. So, here I am with my college loans over my head and I am back to square one. I have around 100 college credits and all i have to show for it is student loans which needs payed off. YAY for me............I miss my son. I hate the way things are and nobody can change any of it. I do not mean to sound so negative but I only write this blog as a way of expressing the things I cant voice other wise. So, yes I still cry at night for my baby boy and long to hear his cheerful voice when everything around him sucked, for that was his character. At his down times I was often the only one to be allowed to see it, he had a front for most everyone else.
      I remember how he would lay in the hospital bed and talk to girls from school. He was the one that always listened to thier problems. He had so many major problems, yet he would listen to their high school drama and act as if it was trully as major as they were letting on. He was very caring, at times looking at me and rolling his eyes with a smile cause we knew by tomorrow the small issues they were going on about would be over. His however would continue to stack against him. NOT FAIR>>>>>>> how many times did i long for normal teenage trouble? Just something normal for him in place of death nipping at his heals constantly.  Gee, my boy needed a break!!!!!
    However the break came in a form that rips my heart out!  He is whole, no longer sick in body-he is now trully happy, no longer sad within because of missing everything other kids did- his job was done and he did it well. I can only hope to complete my race in life as well as he did. I love you Chris!!!!
  

      Tomorrow is your birthday and I approach it with mixed emotions, part of me is sad because mom wants you here but GOD had other plans and who am I to question such a loving GOD? The other part of me counts it a pure joy for I was chosen to be your momma, before time began God had me in mind to me your the momma, to raise you, to nourish your tender soul back to health. Your body was ill but when you left  you were whole inside and more of a man than some will ever be in this life. I count it a pure joy to have been a part of that process and I hold my head high in the knowledge that I AM YOUR MOM.
    You came to me at the age of 7, a wounded soul and a sick body. We met at a local hospital and I began daily visits in an attempt to comfort you for your move to our house when you got discharged. We were to become your foster parents but GOD knew the bigger plan he had for our family. We had  several rough years and it was tough, you required so much care but I gave you my all. God planted a love inside of me for you that even I didnt fully understand. You didnt fully accept this love for years and this was tough for I felt rejected by you but it wasnt your fault. Every adult in your life had let you down so why in the world should you trust me?
    Then a one day it started to change and we developed not only a mom and son closeness but a friendship. It was like as you became sicker that something inside of you realized "HEY SHE REALLY LOVES ME AND NO MATTER WHAT SHE WILL NOT LEAVE ME". And leave you I did not, I carried you in my arms as you drew your last breath. You and I, the way we always were, I was strong for you when you needed me and you were strong for me when I needed you. I miss you son and I love you but I will not question the Father above. For all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. I will stand on the WORD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON

One more promise fullfilled

   I remember a few years back as death became more of an concept in your mind, as you faced it on so many occasions. One day in our conversation you asked me to promise you something, you wanted something scarey put on your tombstone if you died before me. Of course I agreed thinking "MOM is going first, so I will never have to worry about this promise". Well you were always a little different in your thinking but you reminded me of this promise the day before you died. Of course I told you, mom will keep my promise. Well needless to say I struggled with this after you left this earth, so I waited a while to order the stone. The stone has finally been set and is in place, and I think you would get a kick how mom kept her promise. We looked up the words SOMETHING SCAREY in hierglyphic pictures and put that on the back of your tombstone. I'm sure in years to come it will spark interest from strangers and loved ones alike. It is one of a kind for a one of a kind son. Mom misses you and tells someone everyday about you. You surround my life and thoughts, you still comfort me with your words, I can hear them when I hurt or when I cry. You are so much a part of who mom has become. I am now going to college to get my BSN degree with the hopes of specializing in special needs kids. I get down and overloaded at times but your memory keeps me going even when I want to quit. You taught me how to keep going even when everything sucks. You showed me by example son ......YOU LIVED IT. Thank you for all you thought me.